“Inseparable ♥ ”

July 2009 August 2009 September 2009 October 2009 November 2009 December 2009 January 2010 March 2010 April 2010 May 2010 June 2010 July 2010 August 2010 September 2010 October 2010 November 2010 December 2010 January 2011

Its been 3 weeks or so since the breakup and it feels as if i'm just digging myself in a hole deeper and deeper each and every single day, to the point where i just cant get out, so i'll keep digging and digging for the sake of just trying to get somewhere. I honestly don't know what I want with David no more. Knowing that we can't be together, at the same time, I don't know why I keep trying to keep being his friend, to just save a friendship that I know will probably never last. It's hard to see him already let go of a one year relationship that could have at least got somewhere, yet at the same time, let me go completely overall with no intentions of even keeping me in his life still even as a friend, which is what I've been trying to do.

I never wanted for things to be this way, obviously he didn't either, it's not like it was something planned, it just happened; which is why it makes it even more worse for me sometimes, cause the pain is so unbearable because i constantly blame myself, sometimes i look back and wish i could have did this that differently and such to make me and him work out.

Each day, I honestly do get stronger. My reliance on having him around and all really does decrease and I do grow into a better and more independent person. And with that, I do feel proud of myself, i honestly do. I look at the person this distance has changed me into and it makes me not only grow independence but also has helped me to appreciate him more. Having him by my side for 365 days all the time, on the phone every night, seeing him everyday compared to now, which is we rarely talk, rarely see each other, has helped me to appreciate the time we spent together and has actually given me a time and space to think carefully about what I really want out of this and for certain right now, its friendship with him and whatever happens from there happens.

I feel as if, I just CANT not be friends with him, purely because we were friends prior to the relationship. Like not friends that were there for the intentions of hooking up, but true genuine best friends and also because his become such a big part of my life now, having been together for a year.

It's hard knowing his probably talking to other girls already and his probably moving on and completely over me. I admit, there are guys who try and talk to me, I try and get to know them, see how things could go, but in the end I just back away. As much as a jerk and asshole David is for treating me the way he has, at the same time, nobody compares to him and the happy moments I could picture my life with. Behind all the bad moments together, of course there are good moments, but that's only because nobody knows about them and they only hear the bad. But yeah ...

There a days when i feel so down because I miss him so much. Days when I literally just lay in bed and cry to myself, because I still can't believe everything that has happened between him and I. It's honestly crazy and whack when I look back on it. I can say, his the best I ever had, but at the same time, his also the worst.

If I could look back and change a single thing about this relationship, I partly would, but then I wouldn't. I feel as if, even though we've been through so much shit, by the end of the day, friends or no friends, hating each other, ignoring texts and calls etc etc somehow we always find our ways back together, because it's true, even though were not together, I honestly do believe him and I are inseparable, even on the worst days where we hate each others guts.