“Inseparable ♥ ”

July 2009 August 2009 September 2009 October 2009 November 2009 December 2009 January 2010 March 2010 April 2010 May 2010 June 2010 July 2010 August 2010 September 2010 October 2010 November 2010 December 2010 January 2011

Its been 3 weeks or so since the breakup and it feels as if i'm just digging myself in a hole deeper and deeper each and every single day, to the point where i just cant get out, so i'll keep digging and digging for the sake of just trying to get somewhere. I honestly don't know what I want with David no more. Knowing that we can't be together, at the same time, I don't know why I keep trying to keep being his friend, to just save a friendship that I know will probably never last. It's hard to see him already let go of a one year relationship that could have at least got somewhere, yet at the same time, let me go completely overall with no intentions of even keeping me in his life still even as a friend, which is what I've been trying to do.

I never wanted for things to be this way, obviously he didn't either, it's not like it was something planned, it just happened; which is why it makes it even more worse for me sometimes, cause the pain is so unbearable because i constantly blame myself, sometimes i look back and wish i could have did this that differently and such to make me and him work out.

Each day, I honestly do get stronger. My reliance on having him around and all really does decrease and I do grow into a better and more independent person. And with that, I do feel proud of myself, i honestly do. I look at the person this distance has changed me into and it makes me not only grow independence but also has helped me to appreciate him more. Having him by my side for 365 days all the time, on the phone every night, seeing him everyday compared to now, which is we rarely talk, rarely see each other, has helped me to appreciate the time we spent together and has actually given me a time and space to think carefully about what I really want out of this and for certain right now, its friendship with him and whatever happens from there happens.

I feel as if, I just CANT not be friends with him, purely because we were friends prior to the relationship. Like not friends that were there for the intentions of hooking up, but true genuine best friends and also because his become such a big part of my life now, having been together for a year.

It's hard knowing his probably talking to other girls already and his probably moving on and completely over me. I admit, there are guys who try and talk to me, I try and get to know them, see how things could go, but in the end I just back away. As much as a jerk and asshole David is for treating me the way he has, at the same time, nobody compares to him and the happy moments I could picture my life with. Behind all the bad moments together, of course there are good moments, but that's only because nobody knows about them and they only hear the bad. But yeah ...

There a days when i feel so down because I miss him so much. Days when I literally just lay in bed and cry to myself, because I still can't believe everything that has happened between him and I. It's honestly crazy and whack when I look back on it. I can say, his the best I ever had, but at the same time, his also the worst.

If I could look back and change a single thing about this relationship, I partly would, but then I wouldn't. I feel as if, even though we've been through so much shit, by the end of the day, friends or no friends, hating each other, ignoring texts and calls etc etc somehow we always find our ways back together, because it's true, even though were not together, I honestly do believe him and I are inseparable, even on the worst days where we hate each others guts.

I gave all of my trust, didn't think being faithful was asking to much .

After reading over my blogs, i realised that all of them have been happy blogs, ending with happy smiles and a fulfilment of love that i have promised to show David. I remember always looking forward to writing blogs to David, so that i could watch him on webcam reading it and eventually actually see tears roll down his eyes from reading my blogs that i dedicate to him, because of the heart touched feeling I give to him through each and every single world.

But now things are different, it's not him shedding the tears, it's me. Even just writing the first paragraph made me tear up already. It's just the past months have been so hard for me, I don't know why they turned out to be like this. I always thought that things were going good, that I was fulfilling my duties right, and that was to make David happy, to put that smile on his face. But now, it's just gone too out of hand, I dont know if its me or if its him wanting so much of me.

I've been with him for over a year now and just the past few months haven't been as great as i would have wanted them to be. Each time there was a problem, I knew there was always a way for me to fix them, to make it better, so that i could make david smile so that I can show him what he really deserves in a relationship, which is a loving girlfriend who will listen to him and always make him happy. I know I'm not perfect, yet nobody is and because of that latley i've been trying extra hard to show more love towards him, I cooked for him one year, i made a scrap book for him for one year, I buy him clothes, I baught him the gym bag, and besides all those materialistic things I've promised to change myself inorder to make him happy, yet all those things I try and do for him, they seem to never matter.

It's like my efforts of wanting to make him happy aren't appreciated at all. Is it because I'm not trying hard enough ? Is it?

I know the goals I want to achieve with david, they are set goals within my mind that I want to be able to succeed in. David's happiness is my number one priortiy and under those are so many different arrows that lead to so many different subjects of reasons on how to make this relationship work and how to make each one pull that georgous smile on his face.

I know i dissapoint him sometimes, because his not always in a good mood and I blame myself. I blame myself for not trying hard enough to achieve me goals i promised I would set. I realised that I know I'm not the best girlfriend any guy could ask for, nor is David the best boyfriend, for my own personal reasons, but I belive that behind this whiney, annoying, clingy, sulky girl, I'm more than just a girl whos there in his life. I know I love him, because I know my willingness to change for the better. I know that on normal days, he really does love me, but then theres just that one off odd day where things don't turn out as great and because of that, I blame myself.

I pray to god that things will work out between him and I. David isn't just another guy who walked into my life, is suppose to leave and teach me a lesson. I know that what we had was real, I know that what we had was true and I will make sure I keep him by my side for aslong as possible.

I know I can do it, because my heart says so. I know I can do it, because one year tells me so. I know I can do it, because its what I'm destined to do and thats to love david, care for him and always make him happy. His my number one boy ♥

So its officially, 5 minutes past 12, on the 1st day of the month December. It's been 4 days since the breakup and only today have i decided to finally let go, move on, cut all ties and hope for the best. As i write this, tears are building up, because it hurts me to have to let go like this; no goodbye, no explanation, just disappear like that from his life. I never wanted things to end like this, nor did i even want to end it the relationship itself. I finally realised today that I was the only one fighting for it to work, I was the only one wanting to put in that extra effort to make every last string get pulled.

It hurts so much knowing he wont be around no more, so much all I can do is cry helplessly without him by my side. I mean, surely, of course he can still be there, but as simple as it seems, it's so hard having him there knowing I love him still so much, that's why I have to do what I'm doing. As I type each word, I can feel each tear roll down my eyes falling down onto my lap as i sit here clenched on my bed infront of the laptop. It's all so unbearable, just sitting here alone in the middle of the night knowing that one years worth of good and bad memories, love, pain, laughter, tears and joy were thrown out the window, just like that.

Of course I still believe that I can make things work out, if I was given the chance too. Of course theres all hope in my heart that things could, would and should have worked out between him and I, if it wasn't for that one mistake on that saturday afternoon. There will always be hope in my heart for a better day and a brighter future with him in it.

I miss him so much words cannot explain. I'm trying my best to be strong and I'm trying my best to keep a smile on my face, but I know deep down it'll always kill me to know that someday, I won't be that girl in his arms no more, I won't be that girl he sends text msgs too, I won't be that girl he tells her he loves, I won't be that girl in his passenger seat, just overall, I won't be her ...

I wish I was given one day to change things around, one day to prove to him and to have him forgive me for all my wrongs and just have one last beautiful moment with him. Have him in my arms, next to him in the passenger seat, hugging him in bed, holding my hands where our finger tips meet, kiss him ... Just one day that I will always hope for. I just want to prove to him how much of a better person overall and how much of a better gf i have changed myself to be.

But in the meantime, when I'm gone, obviously it's not going to take him 1 day to realise im gone, but it'll have to take a few weeks and months for my disappearance to actually work. But with this I hope it will give him a chance to actually realise what life is like without me and for him to actually have time and space to think, for him to actually miss me and appreciate my presence.

Nicole & David - 111109 ♥



(us cooking for our one year anniversary :))