“Inseparable ♥ ”

July 2009 August 2009 September 2009 October 2009 November 2009 December 2009 January 2010 March 2010 April 2010 May 2010 June 2010 July 2010 August 2010 September 2010 October 2010 November 2010 December 2010 January 2011

Dear David,

So i woke up this morning to my sister calling me asking if i wanted to go shopping but i turned her down. I was so tired and my eyes were so puffy from crying all night and we just had another fight? And your not understanding where I'm coming from, so im gonna blog my feelings so you can read it and through this you can't butt in and argue back with me and you can just read and try and make an attempt to understand me and where im coming from.

I honestly thought I could have made it through this obstacle, but obviously atm i'm having such difficulties doing so because there's no-one or nothing there to motivate me to want to change and break down this wall. Last night was by far the worst fight we've ever had and it's totally changed my views or ever wanting to be with you or ever even wanting to have a relationship with anyone, even though deep down i know this feeling is probably just one of those the moment feeling and it'll all pass and things will be fine again soon.

Recently each time we fight I notice I face a new you each time. A more smartass, dickhead, asshole, non-caring, swearing boyfriend. And each time we fight, your attitudes when we fight get more serious to the extent i convince myself you don't love me no more.

I don't really know how to explain this through writing but i'll try my best to explain. I realised that to me, each time when we fight i make it like asif it's the end of the world and it's by far the "worst fights" we've ever had. And I realised because of that, as im progressing through this "changing" stage I will not be perfect. I will be alright for a few days or so and eventually I will break and fall and through that, there will be fights and fights will be really big each time after I pick myself up from the last fight because after each fight, I will have a better understanding and I will try harder, hence a longer period of days being perfect, hence more anger from each day that hasn't been let out, hence a great amount of anger build up inside, HENCE the fact why each time we fight, one after another, they are so big and get worser and worser each time (and this is the part where you correct me and tell me worser isnt a word lol)

And not only the fact that it gets worser because of me, but you being a hectic jerk to me each time i make a mistake doesn't really help either. Obviously your not perfect, but your only not perfect when im not perfect. So therefore do you realise that maybe just calming me down first works. Cause if im mad, then your mad and then i get even more mad cause your mad then you get angry at me for even being more mad and then the process just goes round and round and round and we dont stop arguing til like i get sleepy and im just not bothered to fight anymore. But then again, like me, I understand that your changing too. And i'm trying to understand that, but sometimes someones just gotta give in and help us, and for the past weeks I've been putting my trust in you to help me with that, cause i belived that only you could do that, but you havn't. That's why it breaks my heart so much each time you go agaisnt me and scream at me telling me to "shut the fuck up" and tell me off, cause its just not you, this is not what i came into a relationship for.

I don't know how things will turn out for us. No doubt, I love you. Your my everything, your everything ive ever asked for and looked for in a boyfriend. And im telling you this in advance ... sometimes my insecurities will take the better of me and i know that if i continue on with my "changing" to be a better girlfriend, at one stage or another, i will stuff up again because nobodies perfect and such high expectations should not be placed upon any person. You tell me that your proud of me for changing and that you didn't tell me to change and that i changed for myself and for the better voluntarily. If you say that, then why not act like you acknowlegde it during hard times. You should be gratful for having to face a fight once a week compared to before when i wasn't changing to fights everyday.

But thats not the point. The point is i need you to understand where im comming from and that it's honestly not easy to go through what i have to go through each day with all my anger problems. It's not like i enjoy punching walls and living a life where i think money grows on tree's breaking everything that gets in my way.

Honestly, I don't think you ever will understand. But when you do, please let me know. I love you, but sometimes I'd rather be alone than have to go through all this again. I'm not weak because im giving up but its because I know i will stuff up again and because of that I know that when I do, I have to face that side of you again, which I never want to ever.

That's all i have to say.

Love, Nicole.